I am.

Song: We R Who We R - Ke$ha

People often tend to look at us as who we are as a whole. The problem with that is that who we are? It's not one big thing. It's a million little things. It's the communities we consider ourselves a part of. It's where we go to cry. It's the jokes we make and the jokes we laugh at, it's the music we listen to, it's when and where we feel alone. It's the things that make us tick, it's your favorite things, it's an ability to laugh so hard at a boob-shaped M&M that you're left gasping for oxygen on the ground in the lobby of your high school during your lunch period one day during your junior year.

Who we are is the color we paint our nails most often, it's the people we look up to, and the people we aspire to be when we grow up. It's the stuffed animal laying next to our pillow, the background on our laptop, the messages in our phones. It's everything we do, say, hear, feel, touch, remember, build, tear down. Who we are is EVERYTHING. It's every memory. Every hope. Every dream. Every disappointment. Every heartache and night spent laying on your back in bed daydreaming. Who we are is everything. It's even not knowing who we are.

I often ask myself that question: Who AM I? And furthermore, who am I going to be? And I don't really know. But that's okay with me. Because I know this: I am the kind of person who watches an episode of Oprah and feels connected to every member of the audience, just for the fact that I know that they love, respect and appreciate her. That they've been shaped by her, just like I have and do. I know that I cry at every little thing because I am compassionate and I love seeing other people happy. I know that I'm not a lover and I'm not a fighter, but a unique mixture of the two. I know that I find water when I want to cry-either the beach or the shower. That I am sarcastic. That I country music is not only something I listen to, but is a part of who I am. I know that my favorite color switches between pink, pale yellow and white. That I LOVE italian and chinese food. That I love to sail and write poetry and take pictures. That I like to make other people happy. I am my memories. I am that ridiculous looking M&M. I am an Oprah fan. I am a country girl at heart. I am a hopeless romantic, a bitch, a sweetheart...I am everything. And everything is me.

So who are you?

Do You Still Feel Small?

Song: I Hope You Dance - Le Ann Womack

I have always loved the beach. The crashing of the waves. The fluidity in the way that they roll in. The sand in my toes. The salt in my hair. I love not just being physically at the beach, but near one. Just knowing it's around brings a sort of peace, a distinct beach-y calmness.

Some of my favorite memories are of late night walks along the shoreline, of walking barefoot from here to there trying not to step on shells, of searching for sea glass, of beautifully broken shells. Of swimming with my grandfather. Of sailing and weaving my way around other boats in the harbor until I reach the open sea. How when you stand beside the ocean, you realize just how small and insignificant your problems are. How big and beautiful and breathtaking the world is.

There is not a single bad thing about the beach. Not one. It never makes anything worse. Instead, things can only go up when you go to the beach. And they do. And this week, they did.

The past week, my last week in the states, has been particularly stressful. And Wednesday night, my mother and I stopped tiptoeing around the eggshells we'd been...tiptoeing around....and all. hell. broke. loose. Choice words filled the air, things were thrown, tears were shed. It was horrible. Beyond that, even. But the next morning we went to the beach as planned, for our sanity, and after an hour, we were back to solid.

I have to thank the beach for that. And for the majority of my fondest memories. I have to thank the beach for not only keeping me sane, but making me happy.

Do you still feel small when you stand beside the ocean?

It Gets Better

Songs: Darlin' - Avril Lavigne & Fight For This Love - Cheryl Cole

Have you ever felt helpless? Totally, completely and unchangeably helpless? Like nothing you did or nothing you said could change anything? Or worse, like there was nothing you could do, nothing you could say?

Maybe you've looked at the sink and wondered why, no matter what you do, it's dirty and gross. Maybe you've walked out of your bedroom at 230am and found yourself face-to-face with one of the biggest spiders you've ever seen. Maybe you've lain awake in bed at night, dying for some shut-eye, but you just couldn't sleep. Maybe someone has done everything in their power to make sure you can't be with the person you love. And maybe that person has a whole lot of authority.

I've found myself feeling helpless more times than I'd like to admit over the past few days. I've stared helplessly at the filthy sink I JUST cleaned. I've stared helplessly at a not-so-'Itsy Bitsy'-spider at 230am. I've lain in bed totally exhausted, but totally unable to sleep. And I've had someone with a lot of authority tell me I can't be with the person that I love. And that's just the beginning.

Nearly 6 months ago, I walked into a room, not sure of whether I was going to stay or turn around and walk right back to the car I'd just stepped out of instead. But as soon as I did, I felt this magnetic pull. I whipped around so fast I swear I could have slipped a disk and saw a set of really long legs in gray Ugg boots. And even though I hadn't seen her face, I thought to myself, "I have to meet this girl." An hour or so later, the perfect opportunity to talk to her arose and during a game that involved the exchanging of Mardi Gras beads and a fact the other person wouldn't know by looking at us (which later became a game we played when we were bored) I took it and introduced myself. I walked right up and said, "My name is Cassidy and something you wouldn't know just by looking at me is that I liked kissing girls before Katy Perry did." She was beautiful, funny and charming. Far too beautiful to be anything but straight and far too funny and charming to have any interest in me even if she wasn't. But I got her number and she texted me the whole way home and non-stop for the next few days. On New Years Day I asked her to play 21 Questions and my 21st question was "Will you be my girlfriend?" She said, "Yes" and I've always called her my Eleven-Eleven Wish (1-1-11).

Throughout the 5.5 months we were together, we exchanged poems and songs and "things you wouldn't know by looking at me." We planned our wedding and our family and the future that lay ahead of us. I loved her and she loved me. Unfortunately, her mother did not love us. She forbade us from being together and said we could just be friends. We stayed together and kept our relationship a secret.

Saturday, I received a message on Facebook around 10am that her mother had taken her phone. And been through it. I ignored it and figured her mom would come around, that she would realize how much I loved her daughter and be happy for that. I couldn't have been more wrong. Instead she gave her a few hours to say goodbye to me and forbade her to speak to me. I have never felt so helpless in my life.

I knew there was nothing I could do, nothing I could say, to change our situation. I couldn't go back in time and tell her to do her laundry. I couldn't call up her mom and plead my case. As far as I was concerned in those first few hours, my life as I knew it was over. I laid on the bathroom floor sobbing and 'watching' all of my dreams fade to dust, for an hour. And then I spent a few more hours laying in bed doing the same. I was helpless. Nothing I could do, nothing I could say.

And then the next morning I woke up to a message from her sent from a friends phone and I realized there was still hope for us. That I could talk to her through those friends. Maybe not every day, but once in a while at least and that is far better than nothing. I have her on Facebook still, and I'm not sure why. But every time I click refresh I dread not seeing her name on my contact list.

I no longer hold confidence in our plans for the future. I have certainly not lost hope, but I have accepted the fact that she may not be the person I walk down the aisle with. That she may not be the one squeezing my hand and whooo-whooo-heeeeing alongside me as I give birth to our first child. She may not be my co-pilot on spontaneous Sunday road trips with the kids, the one I lay in bed with until the kids come piling in for family cuddles on Saturday mornings, or the person who I look at over my little girl's head as we get her on the school bus and catch gazes with and smile at. We may not grow old together. And that's sad. And leaves me feeling a little bit helpless. But I have also realized that even if she isn't a part of those dreams, that doesn't mean those dreams have to change.

I know that if our plans are meant to play out, if we are really meant to be together, we will be. And that in that case, this will just be something we look back on with sad smiles as we sit on our porch swing and watch our kids play and think, 'My, how far we've come.' And I know that if that isn't the case it will only be because there is someone else out there who can better fulfill those dreams. But I also know that I love her. And I know that I'm still feeling a little helpless. Like there's nothing I can say and nothing I can do to change things.

But I do have hope. Because even though I felt helpless when I came across that spider last night, I survived. Because eventually, I fell asleep. Because the sink can be clean, even though it may require breaking out the multi-surface cleaner more than you'd like to. Because things may seem horrible in the middle of everything, but they do get better. Eventually, you do break out that multi-purpose. Eventually, you grab a sneaker and brave the unknown and dangerous. Eventually, you count sheep find yourself waking up in the morning. Eventually you crawl out of bed, lift the shades and start brainstorming. Eventually you find your self a little less helpless.

So stick in there. 'Cause it gets better.

She is.

Listen here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VsNbhwSXDB8&ob=av2e Mama-Spice Girls

Every time I've needed help to jump, she's been there to offer me words of encouragement. When I've fallen, she's offered a shoulder to cry on and pushed me to try again. When I've flown, she's been there to offer up praise. She's had my back when no one else has, supported me when no one else did, and loved me like no one else could.

She has always been honest, but has sugar-coated things when necessary. She's done her best to prepare me for whatever happened to come my way. She didn't say there'd be no pain-instead she made me strong. She didn't say I'd have a voice-instead she gave me song. She didn't promise safety-instead she made sure that I hid. She didn't say she'd catch me-she taught me to fly instead. She was there to hold me when I was 11 and kids were mean. There to defend me when I made mistakes at 15. She didn't give up on me, even when I'd let her down. And she accepted me for who I was without having to "come around."

She has always made sure that I knew that I was loved and has always given me the strength and that extra shove if I've needed it. She is my support system. I love spending time with her and talking to her. She is my best friend at the end of every day. She is funny. She is selfless. She is kind and compassionate, brave and strong, creative and intelligent. She is wonderful. She is mine. She is Mom.

I love her.

Running Away

Listen (on the playlist below):

Running Away-3 Days Grace

I Just Wanna Run-The Downtown Fiction

Have you ever been caught in a moment where you've felt like running? Jumping in the car with an unknown destination and getting the hell out of dodge? Moving abroad and pretending to be someone else with a new life? Taken yourself shopping to buy an obscene amount of stuff that you don't actually need or sometimes even want? Have you ever been with someone just because it was a better alternative to being alone? Pushed someone out of your life when the goings got tough?

We all get bogged down by life. We all get overwhelmed in certain moments when we feel our heart and soul are being crushed to the point where the only sensible (yet illogical) thing to do is run. Run literally, metaphorically, spiritually....We've all been there. But the funny thing about running is that no matter where you go and who you're with or without, the feelings eventually creep back. It's simple: the problem is with you. It's in you. The geographical, emotional and/or material distraction can only get us so far. They are only temporary fixes. At night when you shut your eyes and the running stops, you return to that same dark corner: yourself.

I learnt a while ago that doing things to keep your mind busy doesn't make what you do meaningful. It doesn't give what you do purpose. That running 120mph on the treadmill of self-deception only lands you in the same spot days, weeks, months, or a thousand dollars and a shattered heart, later. Sometimes it's good to run. To shake the cobweb up and untangle your heart to find a new lead. Just don't burn out running for so long that you forget the answer was there, inside you, all along. Eventually you must get out of bed and pull up the shades, pull over and do a U-turn, put the clothes down...and stop. Stop and reflect. Stop and face whatever you're running from. Stop and face yourself.