A Letter To My Younger Self

Songs: 100 Years - Five for Fighting & Fifteen - Taylor Swift.

Dear 15-year-old me,

I know life is hard right now and things don't look like they'll ever get better. I know you can't see the light at the end of the tunnel or the silver lining. But there is light, and that silver lining? Well, I've never seen anything more beautiful.

You've conquered one battle. A battle that is unfathomable to some and impossible for most. But you are not most. You are strong and you will make it through. No, the war’s not over yet and yes, you've still got a few hurdles left in this leg of the race. But you will clear them. You will finish the race and you will come out smiling. And the fact of the matter is, the hardest part is already over: She’s already gone.

Everyone knows loss on some level. You know it on a huge one. This is not an excuse to pity yourself or not feel sympathy or compassion towards others. In fact, the opposite is true. It makes you capable of loving bigger, better and harder. So that's exactly what you should do. Fall in love with everything. The way the sun feels on your skin, the sound of leaves crunching in the fall, the moments where you can't stop laughing even though you can. not. breathe. The moment when you’re driving with the top down and your favorite song comes on the radio, that first wave, the wind in your hair and the sand in your toes…Fall in love with everything and anything you can. And don't be afraid to give your heart away.

The first time you fall in love (with a person) it will take you a while to see what's been right in front of your eyes. You will question if loving this person is okay. Not because of the fact that she is a girl, but because of the role that she plays in your life. But love is always okay. No matter what other people say.

So this woman? She's going to turn your world upside down and teach you so many things. Most importantly she will teach you what it is to love someone more than you love yourself. Keep that with you because things won't work out. (But you'll know that from the day you meet her. And don't you dare let that stop you.) You will never stop loving her. Nor will you ever stop loving the girl that comes along a few girlfriends after her. (Things don’t work out with her either.) But that’s a good thing. You must know love to feel pain and you must know pain to feel pleasure and you must know pleasure to feel sorrow and you must know sorrow to know happiness. So don’t be afraid to give your heart out over and over again because you’ll learn something new every time. And when you feel like you’ve learned everything you had to? Well, then you’re with The One. Hold her close and don’t let go.

Be adventurous and take the chances that come to you. In January 2011 you will be offered a chance to work as an au pair in Germany. You won’t be sure whether or not you want to leave your family and friends and everything ‘familiar’ in life. But you should take the job. You will get there and you will fall in love with two extremely adorable little girls who will sometimes push your limits, but who, in moments, will overwhelm your heart with so much adoration and love you won’t know what to do with yourself. In the moments when you’re frustrated and you miss home and you just want to lock them in their room and book a flight home, hold them closer instead of pushing them away. I swear their cuddles could cure cancer. (But don’t let this keep you from saying no when it’s needed. And trust me…it’s needed.)

Stand up for what you believe in and never let anyone break you. People will try to push you down. Sometimes so they can play the hero when they pick you back up and sometimes just so they can kick you while you’re down. Don’t let them kick you. Fight. You have a good head on your shoulders and despite your loss and hardships you have been blessed. Use your blessings to bless others. You can do a world of good. You’ve already started.There is so much to say: never go to bed angry, learn from your brother, don’t waste your energy on negative things, don’t hurt yourself-there are people in your life who will do it for you, never feel guilty about being happy, substances don’t make problems disappear, dance like no one’s watching-even when you know they are, listen to your mother, learn from your mistakes…but these are all lessons that you will learn and should learn on your own and with time. The lessons may not always be easy, but you’ll weather the storms well and you will benefit from all of them. Promise.

You are strong and compassionate and intelligent and although you make mistakes, you learn from them. And you will be okay because of these things. And you will be okay period. Just keep looking for that light and once you find it, don’t let it out of your sight. Run towards it with all that you’ve got. And once you reach it, once you’re safe inside it? Don’t be embarrassed to throw your arms up in the air and do a victory dance. The people who will judge you for doing so don’t matter and the people who matter won’t judge you for it. The people who are worth keeping around might even join you. Let them.

And remember: fall in love. With everything.

Love,

Your (almost) 19-year-old self.

PS: This year (your 19th year) is your best year (so far). You will grow and learn more than you dreamed. You’ll love bigger and better. You’ll start becoming the person you were destined to be. So as you prepare to turn 18, prepare for a whole lot of awesome to come your way.

PPS: I'll keep you posted.

Songs: Kiss Me - Six Pence None The Richer & I Do Not Hook Up - Kelly Clarkson

Sometimes in the moments when the quiet rolls in like fog: quick and without warning, and totally unnoticeable until you're caught in the middle of it, I find myself thinking of you. Every time my guard is even slightly down, sometimes even unbeknownst to me, my thoughts rewind to the past. To us. It's unfair, really, the way they take advantage. The way they kick me when I'm already down. But that's how it goes, I guess. You never forget your first love and so when thoughts of her hurt so much that you actively avoid thinking them every single day, a time of weakness is the only time they can make their way to light. And when they do, when they creep in as quiet as a cat on it's haunches, unnoticeable until they're staring you straight in the eye, until the wind has already been knocked out of you and left you breathless...it kills.

When I'm laying in bed at night, tossing and turning in my sleepless stupor, contemplating the meanings and lessons of life, you have a way of finding me. Of knocking on my door. Some nights I welcome you in, invite you to stay for a while. I smile at past memories. Of songs sang in your car. Of jokes we shared. Of all the moments where no one else mattered and it was just us. But on other nights, on the nights where I'm feeling particularly weak, I do my best to slam my door in your face. To turn all of the locks as if that will somehow keep you from knocking the door down the exact same way you did last time. But we both know it's not going to work. You've always been my strength, but you've also always been my weakness.

It's been a year, almost to the day, since my world came crashing down. Since I felt like I'd never be able to pick it back up again. Since I felt so empty I was sure I couldn't be alive anymore. And every time I think of you I still feel just as empty. My heart crashes like a waterfall, breaking into the same million pieces again and again every time I start to feel strong and less alone. I still get the same sinking feeling when I hear the songs we sang to. I still feel the same butterflies when I hear your name. All of it just as strong as the day I met you. And just as strong as the day we said goodbye.

I will always love you. You will always be number one. Forever the person who taught me what it was to love someone besides myself. Forever the first person I would choose to spend my last moments with just for the comfort your company would offer, the strength you'd provide by just being there. Forever the first person I ever felt completely understood by and completed by. Forever a holder of my heart. But we were not forever. There is someone else out there who has taken a piece of my heart, a new holder. And there are holders yet to come. And although there have been a million moments where you've made me feel strong, understood and invincible, there have been a million since where you've had me at my weakest. And although I can still say right now that I'd choose you, each day I find myself relying on others more and more. Opening myself up, letting you go. I'll never be able to completely, I know that. Just like I'll never let go of the girl I loved after you. But I have loved since. And I will love again...

I said to someone last night, "You will find love again. Always. In unexpected places, on the shittiest day when you feel like there's nothing left to live for and no one else to love you, love will find you again. Surprise you and turn your world upside down again. And you will love more than you ever have and more than you ever thought you could and every time it will surprise you." And I meant it. And after I said it I laid in bed in one of those sleepless stupors and for the first time I realized that that applied to me too, and not just the amazing person I said it to. It's true for all of us: The Brokenhearted. Our wounds will never heal completely, but when you stub your toe, if you pinch your arm the pain in your toe disappears because the pain has been replaced. And new love does the same to old love.

And you? You are old love. Yes, you were my first and you will always mean more to me than words could even come close to describing, but the thing about first loves is that they're not nearly as important or significant as last loves. I know there will come a time when the silences in the middle of the night are filled with someone else. When you don't come knocking as often as a close friend, but as rarely as a neighbor in need of an egg who doesn't want to run to the supermarket. And that's okay with me. I know I will be alright because you taught me that I was something special. That I was intelligent and valuable and strong. You taught me that I can stand alone. And so I'm standing.

Thank you for that.