A Letter To My Younger Self

Songs: 100 Years - Five for Fighting & Fifteen - Taylor Swift.

Dear 15-year-old me,

I know life is hard right now and things don't look like they'll ever get better. I know you can't see the light at the end of the tunnel or the silver lining. But there is light, and that silver lining? Well, I've never seen anything more beautiful.

You've conquered one battle. A battle that is unfathomable to some and impossible for most. But you are not most. You are strong and you will make it through. No, the war’s not over yet and yes, you've still got a few hurdles left in this leg of the race. But you will clear them. You will finish the race and you will come out smiling. And the fact of the matter is, the hardest part is already over: She’s already gone.

Everyone knows loss on some level. You know it on a huge one. This is not an excuse to pity yourself or not feel sympathy or compassion towards others. In fact, the opposite is true. It makes you capable of loving bigger, better and harder. So that's exactly what you should do. Fall in love with everything. The way the sun feels on your skin, the sound of leaves crunching in the fall, the moments where you can't stop laughing even though you can. not. breathe. The moment when you’re driving with the top down and your favorite song comes on the radio, that first wave, the wind in your hair and the sand in your toes…Fall in love with everything and anything you can. And don't be afraid to give your heart away.

The first time you fall in love (with a person) it will take you a while to see what's been right in front of your eyes. You will question if loving this person is okay. Not because of the fact that she is a girl, but because of the role that she plays in your life. But love is always okay. No matter what other people say.

So this woman? She's going to turn your world upside down and teach you so many things. Most importantly she will teach you what it is to love someone more than you love yourself. Keep that with you because things won't work out. (But you'll know that from the day you meet her. And don't you dare let that stop you.) You will never stop loving her. Nor will you ever stop loving the girl that comes along a few girlfriends after her. (Things don’t work out with her either.) But that’s a good thing. You must know love to feel pain and you must know pain to feel pleasure and you must know pleasure to feel sorrow and you must know sorrow to know happiness. So don’t be afraid to give your heart out over and over again because you’ll learn something new every time. And when you feel like you’ve learned everything you had to? Well, then you’re with The One. Hold her close and don’t let go.

Be adventurous and take the chances that come to you. In January 2011 you will be offered a chance to work as an au pair in Germany. You won’t be sure whether or not you want to leave your family and friends and everything ‘familiar’ in life. But you should take the job. You will get there and you will fall in love with two extremely adorable little girls who will sometimes push your limits, but who, in moments, will overwhelm your heart with so much adoration and love you won’t know what to do with yourself. In the moments when you’re frustrated and you miss home and you just want to lock them in their room and book a flight home, hold them closer instead of pushing them away. I swear their cuddles could cure cancer. (But don’t let this keep you from saying no when it’s needed. And trust me…it’s needed.)

Stand up for what you believe in and never let anyone break you. People will try to push you down. Sometimes so they can play the hero when they pick you back up and sometimes just so they can kick you while you’re down. Don’t let them kick you. Fight. You have a good head on your shoulders and despite your loss and hardships you have been blessed. Use your blessings to bless others. You can do a world of good. You’ve already started.There is so much to say: never go to bed angry, learn from your brother, don’t waste your energy on negative things, don’t hurt yourself-there are people in your life who will do it for you, never feel guilty about being happy, substances don’t make problems disappear, dance like no one’s watching-even when you know they are, listen to your mother, learn from your mistakes…but these are all lessons that you will learn and should learn on your own and with time. The lessons may not always be easy, but you’ll weather the storms well and you will benefit from all of them. Promise.

You are strong and compassionate and intelligent and although you make mistakes, you learn from them. And you will be okay because of these things. And you will be okay period. Just keep looking for that light and once you find it, don’t let it out of your sight. Run towards it with all that you’ve got. And once you reach it, once you’re safe inside it? Don’t be embarrassed to throw your arms up in the air and do a victory dance. The people who will judge you for doing so don’t matter and the people who matter won’t judge you for it. The people who are worth keeping around might even join you. Let them.

And remember: fall in love. With everything.

Love,

Your (almost) 19-year-old self.

PS: This year (your 19th year) is your best year (so far). You will grow and learn more than you dreamed. You’ll love bigger and better. You’ll start becoming the person you were destined to be. So as you prepare to turn 18, prepare for a whole lot of awesome to come your way.

PPS: I'll keep you posted.