Songs: Kiss Me - Six Pence None The Richer & I Do Not Hook Up - Kelly Clarkson

Sometimes in the moments when the quiet rolls in like fog: quick and without warning, and totally unnoticeable until you're caught in the middle of it, I find myself thinking of you. Every time my guard is even slightly down, sometimes even unbeknownst to me, my thoughts rewind to the past. To us. It's unfair, really, the way they take advantage. The way they kick me when I'm already down. But that's how it goes, I guess. You never forget your first love and so when thoughts of her hurt so much that you actively avoid thinking them every single day, a time of weakness is the only time they can make their way to light. And when they do, when they creep in as quiet as a cat on it's haunches, unnoticeable until they're staring you straight in the eye, until the wind has already been knocked out of you and left you breathless...it kills.

When I'm laying in bed at night, tossing and turning in my sleepless stupor, contemplating the meanings and lessons of life, you have a way of finding me. Of knocking on my door. Some nights I welcome you in, invite you to stay for a while. I smile at past memories. Of songs sang in your car. Of jokes we shared. Of all the moments where no one else mattered and it was just us. But on other nights, on the nights where I'm feeling particularly weak, I do my best to slam my door in your face. To turn all of the locks as if that will somehow keep you from knocking the door down the exact same way you did last time. But we both know it's not going to work. You've always been my strength, but you've also always been my weakness.

It's been a year, almost to the day, since my world came crashing down. Since I felt like I'd never be able to pick it back up again. Since I felt so empty I was sure I couldn't be alive anymore. And every time I think of you I still feel just as empty. My heart crashes like a waterfall, breaking into the same million pieces again and again every time I start to feel strong and less alone. I still get the same sinking feeling when I hear the songs we sang to. I still feel the same butterflies when I hear your name. All of it just as strong as the day I met you. And just as strong as the day we said goodbye.

I will always love you. You will always be number one. Forever the person who taught me what it was to love someone besides myself. Forever the first person I would choose to spend my last moments with just for the comfort your company would offer, the strength you'd provide by just being there. Forever the first person I ever felt completely understood by and completed by. Forever a holder of my heart. But we were not forever. There is someone else out there who has taken a piece of my heart, a new holder. And there are holders yet to come. And although there have been a million moments where you've made me feel strong, understood and invincible, there have been a million since where you've had me at my weakest. And although I can still say right now that I'd choose you, each day I find myself relying on others more and more. Opening myself up, letting you go. I'll never be able to completely, I know that. Just like I'll never let go of the girl I loved after you. But I have loved since. And I will love again...

I said to someone last night, "You will find love again. Always. In unexpected places, on the shittiest day when you feel like there's nothing left to live for and no one else to love you, love will find you again. Surprise you and turn your world upside down again. And you will love more than you ever have and more than you ever thought you could and every time it will surprise you." And I meant it. And after I said it I laid in bed in one of those sleepless stupors and for the first time I realized that that applied to me too, and not just the amazing person I said it to. It's true for all of us: The Brokenhearted. Our wounds will never heal completely, but when you stub your toe, if you pinch your arm the pain in your toe disappears because the pain has been replaced. And new love does the same to old love.

And you? You are old love. Yes, you were my first and you will always mean more to me than words could even come close to describing, but the thing about first loves is that they're not nearly as important or significant as last loves. I know there will come a time when the silences in the middle of the night are filled with someone else. When you don't come knocking as often as a close friend, but as rarely as a neighbor in need of an egg who doesn't want to run to the supermarket. And that's okay with me. I know I will be alright because you taught me that I was something special. That I was intelligent and valuable and strong. You taught me that I can stand alone. And so I'm standing.

Thank you for that.