"Old Soul"

People often throw around the phrase "Old soul" and, while I don't know that I believe in souls in the religious sense of the word, I think the phrase describes me well.

There has never been a day in my life that I have felt my age. I've never been 5 and felt 5, never been 10 and felt 10. I didn't feel 15 when I was 15 and, sure as the sun rises in the east and sets in the west, I do not feel 19.

Sure in moments, in minutes, even in hours, when I'm caught up in something or someone I feel like all of the pieces of the puzzle are there, feel like I'm where I'm supposed to be. But it doesn't last. Soon enough I am struck by just how little I have in common with the people I call my peers.

It doesn't bother me that I prefer the company of 30 year olds over 20 year olds. It doesn't bother me to date someone and have their kids call me Mama even though they're only 14 and 16 years younger than I am. It doesn't bother me that I preferred talking to teachers over fellow students back in high school or that in my summer camp days, I befriended counselors over cabin mates. It doesn't bother me because it's just how it has always been.

One of the great things about the college I go to is that the majority of my classmates aren't 19. Some are married, some have kids, many have life experience. They can hold intelligent conversations, get coffee instead of hot chocolate, and many know what's going on in the world. I love that. Of course, there are the typical 18-21 year olds, too. But it's possible to steer clear of the ones you want to and, if there's anything I've learned over the past 19 years, it's how to spot another "Old soul."

So, of course, I do have friends my own age. And most of them are wonderful, even if just in very small doses. But the greater majority of them act so young every once in a while that I can't stand to be around them. That, and, a lot of the time, we have extremely different ideas of what constitutes as "fun".

My ideal Friday night is not one spent at a club, wearing a dress that's 2 inches too short and stilettos that are 2 inches past comfortable, dancing under lights that, swear to God, could give someone a seizure. I don't want to get "wasted" or have some drunk girl hanging all over me. None of it is appealing to me, in the least. I would much rather be at home, wearing sweats and fuzzy socks and sitting in the kitchen with my girlfriend, making dinner and eating it and talking about interesting things and articles we've recently read. And the only dancing I want to be doing on a Friday night is to Johnny Cash or Ani DiFranco in the living room. With dim, non seizure-inducing lighting. Maybe followed by cuddling on the couch while watching a romantic comedy and enjoying a glass of wine. Night complete with a game of Scrabble, reading in bed and sleep at an acceptable hour.

So the fact that I'm currently hiding out and writing this post from a bathroom stall in a club on a Friday night while some girl empties the contents of her stomach in the stall next to me is anything but appealing. There's not enough vodka in the world to make this "fun". I want to be at home doing all of the aforementioned things. Taking care of my sick girlfriend. Taking a candle lit bubble bath. Anything and anywhere but here.

But I was dragged here, by friends my 'age', which, according to many (primarily, my mother), I need more of. The words "You need to stop acting like you're 40 and live a little bit" are used more than I'd like to admit. But, the thing is, unlike her, I don't see it as a character flaw. Sure, it's annoying at times. Sure, it was cause for bullying when I was in primary school. Sure, it gets tiring to "act my age", but I like it all the same. I like that my mom's friends come to me for advice. I like that I can date women in their late twenties and early thirties and spend Friday night "Date night's" making dinner and watching movies. That a date can consist of taking 'our' kids to the zoo or taking the kids to the Rainforest Cafe on a Saturday night as a special treat.

I don't mind living my life on fast forward. In fact, I can't wait to be settled into a career, a house and a family. Friday night movie nights and Saturday morning soccer games and family game nights on Saturday night. Lazy Sunday mornings in bed with the kids, brunch and all of that? I want it yesterday. And even though I'm stuck living my "40 year old" dream in a 19 year old I-Still-Have-Forever-Left-In-College body, even though I have to live my life just as slowly as everyone else and even though that certainly gets annoying-especially on nights like tonight-I don't mind. I don't mind at all. I love being an "Old soul."