Stressed.

I am stressed. In absolutely every single sense of both the word and phrase. And I'm well aware that everyone else's lives are stressful as well-even if it seems like everyone else seems to have it all together-so don't think that I think that the feeling is unique to me. Because I don't. However, I'm about to vent in a way that may seem like I do. So if you hate whiny, vent-y, my-life-is-crap posts, I wouldn't suggest wasting your time reading this. However, if you are the kind of person who believes misery loves company or the kind of person who feels better about their own life after hearing about others, read on....

So. Where was I? Oh. Right. I'm totally and (potentially) irrevocably stressed.

You see, I'm not the kind of person who, when they feel overwhelmed, breaks things up into little 'tackle-able' piles and lists. I'm the kind of person who makes a list, remembers additional things she's forgotten, looks at what is now an even bigger picture and drowns in an episode of Grey's Anatomy. Or 10. Because it's easier. And then, as deadlines approach and things pile up and I'm finally forced to face whatever it is I've been procrastinating doing, I get even more stressed. I am currently at part deux. I am also at breaking point.

I know everyone reaches this point at least once in their lives. That everyone considers packing their bags and hopping on the next train, quitting whatever crap job they're stuck working, and doing something exotic and interesting and different. But not many people have the balls, the courage, the faith, the optimism, the whatever to do so. Most of us are lacking something which holds us back and keeps us safe and miserable-yet-secure in our tiny little boxes. I, for one, envy the people who are able to buy the train ticket because I'm certainly not one of them. I'm too much of a 'big picture' person. However, I'm also the kind of person who thinks the little things ARE the big picture. That every decision we make, every chance we don't take and every move we make, affect our outcome. (I'm well aware that I'm a walking contradiction.) So, as much as I'd love to go and do charity work in Tibet rightthisveryminute I know there are a thousand things I need to take care of first. Tibet is currently very low on my priority list and very high on my desire list.

So what is my priority list? I honestly don't know. I get so anxious at the thought of all of the things I have to do and juggle that I can't take the time to sort, prioritize and discard. Even though I know doing so will be beneficial and stress-relieving in the long term. There's just so much. I'm stretched thin with being a full-time student, a part-time, on-call nanny and babysitter, working at Pinkberry, my internship, being on the executive board of a brand new club at my college, my romantic life, my family life, my (currently non-existant) social life, etc etc etc.

My life is jam packed with essays and research papers and midterms and daycare observations and lesson plans and coordinating social events and communicating with the whole world and typing up proposals and an internship I haven't started yet, but which is already stressing me out because even though I'm psyched to be doing it, I don't have the time for it, which means stretching myself even thinner. Add in playground trips and diaper changes and potty training accidents and cooking dinner and art projects and games and baths and story reading plus swirling and topping and serving frozen yogurt-smile included-plus a girlfriend I never see, family I live with but don't have time for and friends constantly sending texts and writing on walls asking where I am and why they haven't seen me. The answer is that I'm doing all of the above while trying to keep my life (and room) neat and organized and clean because I'm OCD about certain things, not completely breaking down and maintaining my sanity all at the same time. And when you add in things like searching through 7 Rubbermaid's for a missing navy blue knee-sock to complete an outfit that you've thrown together for tomorrow, writing poetry and listening to music during hot baths that allow you to relax and a million other things, that's difficult. Something has seriously got to give.

The worst part is that I'm missing out on things that I love. I'm so stressed I can't process my own thoughts, let alone satisfy my creative juices. I hardly ever have time to pick up my camera, and when I do, I certainly don't have the time to edit them! I currently have thousands of pictures to edit. From last weeks snow fall, to last month's trip to the Adirondacks, to last summer's trip to Austria while I was living in Germany, to last YEAR'S photography trip to Puerto Rico.

I'm so behind in all of the things I love. And I'm so behind in the things I hate, but that matter. And my priorities are totally out of whack and I don't know what to do first or what to do last and I am seriously considering just becoming a crackhead, drug dealer/stripper because I feel like that is my easiest way out of this mess that I'm in.

And even though this post isn't 'good writing' or 'fluid' or anything at all like the post I'd been envisioning when I first married fingers with keyboard. it's honestly been wonderful to just get this out on 'paper'. Even if no one is actually going to read it. Because right now, in this crazy, hectic life of mine, writing things down is the only way I can even begin to make sense of the ever-growing mess of thoughts and to-do's running through my head. So it's what I'm doing. Because it's at least a start, right?

And tomorrow, once I've finished my laundry and tackled some school work and showered and gotten home from work and kicked off my shoes and relaxed a bit, I may just return to this entry and see if I can't try and make tackle-able piles out of it all. Maybe. But for now, I'm going to continue my pity party and have a few moments of thoughtless, stress-free bliss. An hour (or two) which will consist of a hot, candle-lit bath complete with music and book-reading, catching up on TV shows, painting my toe nails, having a good cry and who knows what else?